Well I am still in hospital. My counts are not recovering and I suspect that they will start me on my injections today. It has been 4 days since chemo now and I cannot afford for my counts to go any lower if I want to be allowed out in the real world! It is just unfortunate that when the injections seem to work they go into overdrive and then cause so much bone pain.
It has been a rather reflective week for me in hospital this week. I have seen my psychiatrist each day and had some good talks with him. I have also seen the support worker from the leukaemia foundation. I found out that a friend I worked with in London passed away from lung cancer in August. I knew she was sick and had been keeping in contact with her husband however I had not heard from him for awhile. I kept wanting to write but was afraid that the news would not be what I wanted to hear. Whilst I was in here this week I wrote to him and I found out that she passed away in August. It seems kind of ironic that in August our beautiful little baby came into the world and my friend left behind her husband and children. Her husband is the sweetest, most caring person you could imagine and my heart goes out to him. It doesn’t seem fair that this could happen to such a lovely couple.
It made me appreciate my situation and be grateful that although I am still undergoing treatment, in all likely hood I will be cured of this disease in time. As much as I hated this round of chemo and hated how sick it made me, I was grateful that at least it will fix me and make sure I have the opportunity to live my life.
My attitude to Christmas has changed a little. Before I was scared of what ifs – now I realise that I need to appreciate and be grateful for now. I have two such beautiful little children and spending this Christmas with them is a blessing. In April it was questionable whether I would be there for Christmas day let alone having Arielle. How lucky have I been? I am so looking forward to Christmas day this year. Tiernan just loves anything to do with Christmas. He is so excited about Santa – he loves going outside to check if Santa is on the roof. I keep thinking of Christmas morning and how excited he will be. Arielle will be too little to appreciate it however she will not know what a little miracle she is and how special it is to me that she is here with us this Christmas. I remember people used to say that Christmas is about kids. Now having children of my own I realise how true that is. To an adult a Christmas tree is just a tree with some decorations and lights on it – to a child it is a wonder, a magical mystery full of wonder, promise and awe. Sometimes we need to sit back and look at life through the uncomplicated eyes of a child. Look at a Christmas tree and let it fill our minds with wonder and excitement and joy.
I miss my children desperately. I miss all of their little antics and cuddles and smiles. I miss feeling their soft little hands touching my face and their tiny little arms giving me cuddles. I miss Tiernan’s big sloppy kisses and Arielle’s “I think I might be getting a feed” kisses. I miss smelling that sweet baby smell when I pick up Arielle. I miss Tiernan telling me I am his best friend and just about strangling me when he cuddles me. I have felt a tonne of guilt this week as the children have been farmed out all week. Tiernan has spent most of the week with Jess and Tim and Arielle is up at mum and dad’s (dad is now home from having his operation). I know that they are being spoilt and loved and having a great time but I felt guilty that I am not there for them. But then last night a nurse asked me why I felt guilty. I explained that the children are being farmed out and are not with their parents. She then told me I am in hospital because I am unwell not because I choose to be. So I am stopping the guilt and instead thinking about how much fun the children are having.
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December 2nd, 2006 at 12:13 pm
Bloody Mother Guilt. Nobody tells you about it prior to having children.
Don’t feel guilty. try and be positive. Imagine if your parents were in a different country or you lived out on a property. It would be a lot harder for Tiernan and Arielle if they were 6 and 8 or older. Kids adapt to situations very easily. take care….hope your weekend improves for you.